[This post is not about how to become a father (‘baba‘ in Bengali). If you were searching for that, try here. All the Best]
Becoming a baba is a life-changing decision. It’s the same as becoming a politician or a supari-killer – the moment you take the first step towards it; you have almost reached the point of no return. Once you are a baba, there is no ‘Un-baba Me’ button. You can not return to ‘normal’ life and confess that “I was just bluffing, like all the other babas.” You must have a strong resolve, low morale, and insatiable lust for money power and sex.
It should be noted here that the term ‘Baba‘ applies to all human forms of god as well as to all the messengers of god. Saints, swamis, prophets etc are all subsets of the Baba-set.
1. Identify your target bakras
Remember that well begun is half done. If you can identify a big customer base to start with, you are already a half-baba. While it is true that there is no dearth of bakras anywhere, you have to take two important things into account – baba-density in the area, and baba-to-bakra ratio there. More established babas in an area may resort to all sorts of un-baba ways to get rid of you if you try to steal from their customer base. A general rule of the thumb (the right thumb) is that, the ‘holy’ cities are not good for nascent babas. Small towns and relatively quiet suburbs of big cities are ideal for them. Another rule of the thumb (the left thumb) is that, the ‘holy’ cities are already so full of bakras (often called as ‘pilgrims’) that they are the ideal starting points for nascent babas with balls.
2. Identify and practice your tricks well
A baba without a few tricks (often called as ‘miracles’) is like the IPL without the cheerleaders. The tricks may or may not be unique, should not require elaborate arrangements, and should not be easily busted. For absolute beginners, I’d recommend these articles and documentary videos:
A. Common miracles you may try.
B. The most popular miracle in India.
Please remember that, while making bikini-clad ladies appear on your lap out of nowhere may be a good trick, it will not be a very baba-ly trick. Try something with more divine nature – ashes, lockets, flowers etc. I do not personally suggest any tricks with precious metal ornaments at the beginning – some people may not like a new baba to turn their gold chains into silver ones. Those tricks are for intermediate and advanced babas who wield so much respect that people do not expect even a silver chain from them in return of a gold chain (Read Advancing in Babahood – An Analytical Approach by the same author).
3. Have divine name and looks (including hairstyle)
This is the right time to get a permanent baba–baba name. Swami Bhajanananda (not ‘Bhojanananda’), Lakdi baba (not ‘Ladki baba’), Baba Nithyananda etc are some common examples. There can not be any copyrights on these brand names.
Now get a divine hairstyle. They say that a baba is known by the hairstyle he sports. If you are balding, don’t waste time in using Nioxin and hoping that your own hair will grow thick. Just buy a sufficiently baba-looking wig for twenty rupees. Shampoo the wig before using – they frequently have lice and other bugs. A cockroach on a divine head is still not an acceptable sight in conservative societies. Apart from the hairstyle, try to sport a gay look – that sells well among both the sexes.
4. Get a few chelas
A baba without a few chelas is like the IPL without the cricketers – not as bad as the IPL without the cheerleaders, but bad enough. Also, remember that chelas are not your employees; they are partners and shareholders of your business. The chelas should spread the word that THE baba has finally arrived. They should tell people that they have witnessed you levitate or swallow the moon or heal/cure people from TB/blindness/atheism etc. In short, they have ‘witnessed’ the miracles that are very difficult to perform in front of common people. It is possible to bring someone’s eyesight back in remote villages – but those tricks are extremely risky in cities.
Most people believe what they hear – and spread the rumor by adding that they themselves have observed it. Add a few chain-mails here and there (“forward baba’s miracles/blessings to seven people and you will have your wishes granted within seven days. Ignore this, and you will become a seven year old boy in a closed room with a Catholic priest”), and you will become a web-baba.
Once people come to catch a glimpse of you, the chelas will help you perform your pet tricks.
5. Develop a brand logo and a punch-line
A photo of baba wearing a divine smile with a halo around the head adds some appeal. A punch line usually complements the photo. Punch lines, more often than not, are just “Om <babaname>.” But feel free to develop a longer one. Don’t use a two-line rhyme – they are so seventies!
6. Practise some babalogues (very baba-ly dialogues) in a proper baba-tone
People that go to babas for ‘spiritual’ guidance are, as a rule, logically challenged. They go there to seek refuge from rational and logical thoughts. So, as a veritable baba, you must shun all logic from your speech and emphasize that logic makes your mind rational, and hence, unholy. A few pet babalogues should be kept handy, like: “logic and debate take you further and further from the Supreme Being ……… you need to feel Him, experience him ……” or “Science and religion don’t clash with each other ‘coz Science is already within religious teachings. Science is but a part of religion that some people misunderstand as being different from religion. Strange are the ways of the supreme creator! (close your eyes slowly here, and then tilt your face upwards).” Also, prepare ‘answers’ for questions like “What is the real secret of birth?” “What is the purpose of my life?” “What happens to me after I die?” etc.
Whenever you speak, remember to keep a calm demeanor and a deep but soothing voice. It is very important not to lose temper, even at logical questions. Appreciate people for their stupid questions. Tell them what they already know, in a little modified way, because that gives them a sense of pride.
7. Learn how to become vague and hence make sense to the bakras
Remember that the average IQ of the initial devotees will be around 82. They will come to you with petty issues, and with a firm belief that you will be able to solve them. Whether you just nod your head or clean your nose, they will take that as a divine assurance that their problems will be solved. So, don’t think deep, just be vague and incoherent in whatever you say, like, “my blessings will open a window of opportunities for you in the months of August through November. Now it is up to you to make the most of it.” Impress on them that you are making their future potent, and now they have to try to achieve that potential.
Here is a collection of vague answers. One common question you may face is “what really is god?” If you say that “god is an assumption to shut off some irritating questions till we get some ‘real’ answers for some or all of those questions”, you are a dead baba. Try something like, “Son, I can tell you the answer now, but you will not be able to grasp it ….. practise meditation for a few months, bring your mind under control, then come back to me …….. in my Vishwarupa you will find all your answers.”
8. Donate money to a school or hospital
There will always be skeptics and they will never support you. But by donating money to a school or hospital or something similar, you can be sure that most of those skeptics will not say anything against you. Also, these donations can serve two more purposes – they can ensure you a steady supply of ‘flowers‘, and they can satisfy your sudden urge of doing something good. You may think that you will never feel that urge. But, believe me, everyone other than Mayawati feels that urge some day.
Here we have covered the main steps of beginning your career as a baba. Interested people may read my books for the secrets of becoming an intermediate (like Swami Nithyananda, who now enjoys sleeping with a new set of holy chicks – he calls them ‘flowers’ – every week), advanced (like Sathya Sai Baba, whose holy touch has extended to a lot more goris and even to children!) or expert baba (the few prophetic babas whose names can not be taken).
Remember that you can unlock your true earning potential only from the intermediate level. One of the readers of the Baba-series books, Swami Nithyananda, has been selling ‘enlightenment certificates’ for as much as $400,000 following a one week long ‘crash course on enlightenment’. Buy the whole Baba-series from your nearest bookstore TODAY!
This article applies to all forms and flavors of mass-fantasy (often called as ‘religion’) even though this particular research has been based on characters and news articles from India.
This is for fun only. But think of it as funny at your own risk.