. Informed . Opinions .

April 6, 2010

How to Become a Baba – A Guide for The Dummies

Filed under: Holy Fcuk, India — Tags: , , , , , , — Raja @ 1:01 PM

[This post is not about how to become a father (‘baba‘ in Bengali). If you were searching for that, try here. All the Best]

Becoming a baba is a life-changing decision. It’s the same as becoming a politician or a supari-killer – the moment you take the first step towards it; you have almost reached the point of no return. Once you are a baba, there is no ‘Un-baba Me’ button. You can not return to ‘normal’ life and confess that “I was just bluffing, like all the other babas.” You must have a strong resolve, low morale, and insatiable lust for money power and sex.

It should be noted here that the term ‘Baba‘ applies to all human forms of god as well as to all the messengers of god. Saints, swamis, prophets etc are all subsets of the Baba-set.

1. Identify your target bakras

‘Holy’ cities may be already infested with too many babas. Image source: Telegraph.co.uk

Remember that well begun is half done. If you can identify a big customer base to start with, you are already a half-baba. While it is true that there is no dearth of bakras anywhere, you have to take two important things into account – baba-density in the area, and baba-to-bakra ratio there. More established babas in an area may resort to all sorts of un-baba ways to get rid of you if you try to steal from their customer base. A general rule of the thumb (the right thumb) is that, the ‘holy’ cities are not good for nascent babas. Small towns and relatively quiet suburbs of big cities are ideal for them. Another rule of the thumb (the left thumb) is that, the ‘holy’ cities are already so full of bakras (often called as ‘pilgrims’) that they are the ideal starting points for nascent babas with balls.

2. Identify and practice your tricks well

A baba without a few tricks (often called as ‘miracles’) is like the IPL without the cheerleaders. The tricks may or may not be unique, should not require elaborate arrangements, and should not be easily busted. For absolute beginners, I’d recommend these articles and documentary videos:
A. Common miracles you may try.
B. The most popular miracle in India.
Please remember that, while making bikini-clad ladies appear on your lap out of nowhere may be a good trick, it will not be a very baba-ly trick. Try something with more divine nature – ashes, lockets, flowers etc. I do not personally suggest any tricks with precious metal ornaments at the beginning – some people may not like a new baba to turn their gold chains into silver ones. Those tricks are for intermediate and advanced babas who wield so much respect that people do not expect even a silver chain from them in return of a gold chain (Read Advancing in Babahood – An Analytical Approach by the same author).

3. Have divine name and looks (including hairstyle)

This is the right time to get a permanent babababa name. Swami Bhajanananda (not ‘Bhojanananda’), Lakdi baba (not ‘Ladki baba’), Baba Nithyananda etc are some common examples. There can not be any copyrights on these brand names.

Now get a divine hairstyle. They say that a baba is known by the hairstyle he sports. If you are balding, don’t waste time in using Nioxin and hoping that your own hair will grow thick. Just buy a sufficiently baba-looking wig for twenty rupees. Shampoo the wig before using – they frequently have lice and other bugs. A cockroach on a divine head is still not an acceptable sight in conservative societies. Apart from the hairstyle, try to sport a gay look – that sells well among both the sexes.

4. Get a few chelas

A baba without a few chelas is like the IPL without the cricketers – not as bad as the IPL without the cheerleaders, but bad enough. Also, remember that chelas are not your employees; they are partners and shareholders of your business. The chelas should spread the word that THE baba has finally arrived. They should tell people that they have witnessed you levitate or swallow the moon or heal/cure people from TB/blindness/atheism etc. In short, they have ‘witnessed’ the miracles that are very difficult to perform in front of common people. It is possible to bring someone’s eyesight back in remote villages – but those tricks are extremely risky in cities.

Most people believe what they hear – and spread the rumor by adding that they themselves have observed it. Add a few chain-mails here and there (“forward baba’s miracles/blessings to seven people and you will have your wishes granted within seven days. Ignore this, and you will become a seven year old boy in a closed room with a Catholic priest”), and you will become a web-baba.

Once people come to catch a glimpse of you, the chelas will help you perform your pet tricks.

5. Develop a brand logo and a punch-line

A catchy baba-logo is a must. Image source: robertpriddy.wordpress.com

A photo of baba wearing a divine smile with a halo around the head adds some appeal. A punch line usually complements the photo. Punch lines, more often than not, are just “Om <babaname>.” But feel free to develop a longer one. Don’t use a two-line rhyme – they are so seventies!

6. Practise some babalogues (very baba-ly dialogues) in a proper baba-tone

People that go to babas for ‘spiritual’ guidance are, as a rule, logically challenged. They go there to seek refuge from rational and logical thoughts. So, as a veritable baba, you must shun all logic from your speech and emphasize that logic makes your mind rational, and hence, unholy. A few pet babalogues should be kept handy, like: “logic and debate take you further and further from the Supreme Being ……… you need to feel Him, experience him ……” or “Science and religion don’t clash with each other ‘coz Science is already within religious teachings. Science is but a part of religion that some people misunderstand as being different from religion. Strange are the ways of the supreme creator! (close your eyes slowly here, and then tilt your face upwards).” Also, prepare ‘answers’ for questions like “What is the real secret of birth?” “What is the purpose of my life?” “What happens to me after I die?” etc.

Whenever you speak, remember to keep a calm demeanor and a deep but soothing voice. It is very important not to lose temper, even at logical questions. Appreciate people for their stupid questions. Tell them what they already know, in a little modified way, because that gives them a sense of pride.

7. Learn how to become vague and hence make sense to the bakras

Remember that the average IQ of the initial devotees will be around 82. They will come to you with petty issues, and with a firm belief that you will be able to solve them. Whether you just nod your head or clean your nose, they will take that as a divine assurance that their problems will be solved. So, don’t think deep, just be vague and incoherent in whatever you say, like, “my blessings will open a window of opportunities for you in the months of August through November. Now it is up to you to make the most of it.” Impress on them that you are making their future potent, and now they have to try to achieve that potential.

Here is a collection of vague answers. One common question you may face is “what really is god?” If you say that “god is an assumption to shut off some irritating questions till we get some ‘real’ answers for some or all of those questions”, you are a dead baba. Try something like, “Son, I can tell you the answer now, but you will not be able to grasp it ….. practise meditation for a few months, bring your mind under control, then come back to me …….. in my Vishwarupa you will find all your answers.”

8. Donate money to a school or hospital

There will always be skeptics and they will never support you. But by donating money to a school or hospital or something similar, you can be sure that most of those skeptics will not say anything against you. Also, these donations can serve two more purposes – they can ensure you a steady supply of ‘flowers‘, and they can satisfy your sudden urge of doing something good. You may think that you will never feel that urge. But, believe me, everyone other than Mayawati feels that urge some day.

Next Steps

Here we have covered the main steps of beginning your career as a baba. Interested people may read my books for the secrets of becoming an intermediate (like Swami Nithyananda, who now enjoys sleeping with a new set of holy chicks – he calls them ‘flowers’ – every week), advanced (like Sathya Sai Baba, whose holy touch has extended to a lot more goris and even to children!) or expert baba (the few prophetic babas whose names can not be taken).

Remember that you can unlock your true earning potential only from the intermediate level. One of the readers of the Baba-series books, Swami Nithyananda, has been selling ‘enlightenment certificates’ for as much as $400,000 following a one week long ‘crash course on enlightenment’. Buy the whole Baba-series from your nearest bookstore TODAY!

_______________________________________________________________________________________

This article applies to all forms and flavors of mass-fantasy (often called as ‘religion’) even though this particular research has been based on characters and news articles from India.

This is for fun only. But think of it as funny at your own risk.

If you liked this post, please share it: Add to DiggAdd to FaceBookAdd to TechnoratiAdd to Twitter

Advertisements

50 Comments »

  1. hmm…this one is a gutsy post…and by the way, the movie i mentioned was not meant for the “informed” and “opinionated” ones….that was for silly people like us !! haa…haa..

    Comment by sushmita — April 6, 2010 @ 2:30 PM

  2. great great great post………it is not only hilarious but also amazingly insightful. this is your best post i have read here
    i could not help reading it more than once. even the captions under the photos are very suitable and funny
    amazing post. it will be great if you write a sequel, too

    Comment by Pranay — April 6, 2010 @ 2:34 PM

  3. Now I understand why it always was “baba black sheep”… :-)!!!

    Comment by Uday — April 6, 2010 @ 3:53 PM

  4. Awesome writing Raja.

    Comment by Dhyan — April 6, 2010 @ 8:30 PM

  5. Jai ho baba guru dev!
    A wonderful, hilarious, and a must read for all prospective babas! Did you know that soon association of babas are going to issue POBO cards (people of baba-type origins) to certify the authenticity of the babas. The minimum qualification being – must have cheated at least 10 people of more than Rs. 1cr, has been in the business for more than 2 years, have no police records against him, should have 5 politician, 2 IGs, 2 lawyers and 3 beautiful actresses as his followers, and most importantly have a pleasing smile and young looks.

    Comment by Ravi — April 6, 2010 @ 9:29 PM

  6. “A hot new profession is on the block. All you need to do is renounce the world publicly (what you do privately is entirely your business), sport long hair/beard/long flowing robes, claim to have performed a few miracles, get some sleazy politicos as your devotees (that shouldn’t be too hard) and voila you have a quick rich formula. You can grab land, run a prostitution racket and even get your devotees killed in a stampede. God will forgive all your sins.”

    The Baba-log will not take too kindly to this will they?

    Will they say Baba re Babaa (with a bangla accent)?

    Comment by Purba — April 6, 2010 @ 10:59 PM

  7. ROFL!!! Awesome post! Loved it… 🙂

    Comment by Kosha — April 7, 2010 @ 1:24 AM

  8. funny 🙂

    Comment by suvarnasundar — April 7, 2010 @ 3:09 AM

  9. @ Sushmita:
    Not quite opinionated. I’ll prove that by watching the last 15 min of that movie :p

    @ Pranay:
    Thanks a lot

    @ Uday:
    That’s hilarious 😀

    @ DJ:
    Thanks dost 🙂

    Comment by Raja — April 7, 2010 @ 8:58 AM

  10. @ Ravi:
    You may qualify for being one 😀
    Thanks for the comment.

    @ Purba:
    lol …… for your comment. very well said 🙂

    @ Kosha:
    Thank you 🙂

    @ Suvarna:
    Thanks for dropping by

    Comment by Raja — April 7, 2010 @ 9:00 AM

  11. Thanks for visiting my blog!! Love ur baba answer to question “what really is god”!!! lol

    sonali

    Comment by Sonali — April 7, 2010 @ 1:34 PM

  12. hmmm, i am not able to find a “Follow” button in ur blog…maybe I missed it??

    sonali

    Comment by Sonali — April 7, 2010 @ 1:39 PM

  13. @ Sonali:
    Thanks a lot for reading 🙂

    There isn’t any follow button. But you manually it add to a feed reader (like google reader) using this link –> https://indrajit.wordpress.com/feed/

    Comment by Raja — April 7, 2010 @ 1:55 PM

  14. Indrajit, I am shocked. What right do you have to make fun of these sorts of things?

    Three days ago Deepak Chopra was in deep meditation and he caused an earthquake in Baja California. Please read the news before writing such offensive posts.

    http://bit.ly/9tCBoY

    If any of the godmen get angry, who will protect us?

    Comment by Anirban — April 7, 2010 @ 9:07 PM

    • Even I’m shocked. This was posted in the hour when I was not drunk. Now WordPress is not allowing me to delete it 😦
      Yeah, read ’bout Deepak Chopra. Uday provided me with similar info after reading this.

      Comment by Raja — April 8, 2010 @ 7:28 AM

  15. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Kosha Shah. Kosha Shah said: How to Become a Baba – A Guide for The Dummies: [This post is not about how to become a father ('baba' in Bengali)… http://bit.ly/bctDQ4 […]

    Pingback by Tweets that mention How to Become a Baba – A Guide for The Dummies « . Informed . Opinions . -- Topsy.com — April 8, 2010 @ 1:54 AM

  16. ROFL enjoyed every bit of ur post and did you know that some have taken your post seriously and have already decided to have a career in BABAGIRI…

    Comment by shivani — April 12, 2010 @ 3:40 PM

    • I hope that ‘some’ is not you. You’ll have to do ‘Ma-giri’ – that’s a little different and more difficult :p

      Comment by Raja — April 12, 2010 @ 3:45 PM

  17. Simply loved it. You write very well.

    Comment by Kanika Goyal — April 12, 2010 @ 10:16 PM

  18. Thnaks for reading. I liked your blog, too 🙂

    Comment by Raja — April 13, 2010 @ 9:43 AM

  19. Brilliant post! You got a new regular reader !!
    Also, Thank you for visiting my blog 🙂

    Comment by sands — April 13, 2010 @ 4:24 PM

  20. I am glad you visited my profile and the trail led me to this hilarious Baba post of yours. Very well-written, your undeniable multiple sarcasm cracked me up! I hope some Baba somewhere is reading this too!

    Comment by PreeOccupied — April 13, 2010 @ 4:34 PM

  21. Well thought and has a haha-factor…i think u shud publish this in a newspaper.these articles require a widspread appaluse..

    Comment by Vaishali — April 14, 2010 @ 2:01 AM

  22. @Sands:
    Thanks. You, too, got a regular reader 🙂

    @Pree:
    Thank you 🙂

    @Vaishali:
    I feel flattered. I’ll feel fortunate if I can keep even these readers 🙂

    Comment by Raja — April 14, 2010 @ 9:08 AM

  23. LOL. Superb post! Loved the sarcasm!!

    Comment by Sudeshna — April 15, 2010 @ 8:23 AM

  24. Absolutely great post.

    I have totally underestimated the amount of work I need to put in to achieve Baba status.

    Oh well, back to the drawing board! I guess I should count my blessings (pun intended) that I had the fortune to come across this post….

    Comment by The NRI — April 16, 2010 @ 10:56 AM

    • Thanks for reading.
      You have an excellent blog, and I have blogrolled that.

      Comment by Raja — April 16, 2010 @ 11:43 AM

  25. Hey,so witty

    Comment by Prarthana Gogoi — April 18, 2010 @ 1:13 PM

  26. And here I thought I was ready to blog my way to enlightenment! Thanks for the footsteps on my blog, Indrajit. You’rs is entertaining and informative and yes, opinionated. I like it.

    Ranee

    Comment by Ranee Kaur Baneree — April 19, 2010 @ 5:55 AM

  27. @ Prarthana:
    Thank for reading

    @ Ranee:
    Thanks for the compliments

    Comment by Raja — April 19, 2010 @ 8:49 AM

  28. Hey,

    Awesum post…wanted to post my reply earlier…but just dina happen.
    To let u know: was planning to join this spirituial industry witha bunch of frends, when we werent getting a job…after MBA. Guess its missed oppt now.
    Heard Ramdev baba is contesting elections…N almost of all em have great much monetory assets…could have been me n frends….idiots!!

    Cheerio

    Nandini

    Comment by Nandini — April 19, 2010 @ 9:12 AM

    • Thanks.
      Ramdev baba may be better than the other more famous names out there. Swami Nithyananda is THE baba to follow the footsteps of. Becoming Sathya Sai Baba may need more than a fair bit of luck.
      It’s never a missed opportunity. You may still give it a try. My blessings are with you 😛

      Comment by Raja — April 19, 2010 @ 9:53 AM

  29. Ho ho ho ..Thats stomach aching stuff…Briliant mann…Loved it!

    I will follow the guide for sure

    Comment by Nish — April 21, 2010 @ 10:22 AM

    • Thanks for the compliment 🙂
      I’ll try to write some more followable posts 😛

      Comment by Raja — April 22, 2010 @ 10:08 AM

  30. u nasty man! You had me fooled. My fellow cynic. Looks like we will last afterall.

    🙂

    Comment by tys — May 10, 2010 @ 11:11 PM

    • That was to bring you here. When you got praised, you didn’t bother. When you got cursed, you decided to explore!

      Comment by Raja — May 11, 2010 @ 9:19 AM

      • i like curses better. Then i feel as if someone is actually reading and getting offended. It is validation of my offensiveness. Problem is too many people seem to agree with me. No fun.

        Comment by tys — May 12, 2010 @ 11:27 PM

        • It was a ‘mock curse’, as you have already found out 😛
          Anyway, I’ve blogrolled you. Will keep visiting.

          Comment by Raja — May 13, 2010 @ 9:45 AM

  31. Mahn, you are too funny 😀

    Comment by Bedlam — May 11, 2010 @ 6:16 PM

  32. Was on the floor of my mini cubicle as I read “not the Bengali baba”…aar paari na Baba….too good !! Babawesome !!

    Comment by le embrouille blogueur — May 13, 2010 @ 3:38 PM

  33. Fucking hell fire ! that’s what all the babas going to make sure you end up in . just kidding dude, enjoyed your writeup. I am sure not all the babas are like that are they? 🙂 HARRY

    Comment by HARRY — May 4, 2012 @ 12:27 PM

  34. I’ll take this as a real Guide… I really want to become one… and I find nothing wrong in this? is it? I’ll have to tell lies in almost every business, I don’t think this business has any harm…what do you suggest. I’ve read OSHO and found a trick… Go against what the masses are saying….and you are on your way… and I’ve effectively used that to win applause….I am in need of some money… and your post is going to be Really HELPFUL for me at the beginning…. 🙂 [ but i’m serious]

    Comment by Ramesh — December 18, 2012 @ 11:50 PM

    • A lot of people begin with a bang, but go nowhere – just because they feel bad about what they are doing or feel contended too early.

      I used to think business is not about fooling people, but is about helping them. But most of the people are happy to be fooled and get angry when helped. So, yeah, no harm in giving them what they want.

      Just remember that there is no stopping and looking back.

      Happy babagiri. Hire me as an assistant when you’re successful

      😛

      Comment by Raja — December 19, 2012 @ 10:12 AM

  35. Try becoming a baba using all your techniques. If it works, then write here. If not, just shut up. Whatever it is, some people have been able to get so many followings. You try to get 10 followers and then talk. And few people’s wrong doings cannot brand all babas (I am using your word, otherwise I would like to use words like rishi, maharshi etc.) as bad. Be more matured and wholistic (which will also be holistic) in your approach.

    Comment by A K — July 3, 2013 @ 6:10 AM

    • Thanks AK Baba
      Sure, I should have had sought your permission to write on my own blog.
      Peace be upon you. Don’t over-burden your little brain.

      Comment by Raja — July 3, 2013 @ 10:05 AM

  36. nice…ab to baba hi banenge…

    Comment by ambuj — October 12, 2013 @ 7:49 AM

  37. Hilarious, I must say 😀

    Comment by Tushar Pal — November 23, 2013 @ 2:34 AM

  38. This is fucking amazing.
    which baba do you personally follow? 😛

    Comment by vikramgoyal2012 — July 6, 2014 @ 4:55 AM


RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Please share your opinion

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: