As long as populist news items like the pope’s refusal to use condom and Faisal Shahzad’s prank at the Times Square will continue to dominate the headlines, the mute sufferings of millions of common people in India will never get a voice. Unless you have personally witnessed the wretched condition of those people, you can not even begin to understand how complex life can get on Facebook, or Orkut, or on any other social network.
Fortunately, a section of the urban Indian population is coming forward to help the Social Networking Distressed Class (SNDC). As the first step, they have set up an agony-aunt column for the SNDC. The column is anchored by someone who introduces himself on Orkut as Pyaar Baba. It has been learnt that Pyaar Baba had committed Orkut-suicide four times between the years 2004 to 2008, and has learnt the lessons of social networking life in a hard way. He is using his own experience to lift the spirit of each one in SNDC and bring them back to the mainstream of social networking life. A cursory look at the column will reveal the wide popularity of Pyaar Baba’s column among the SNDC. Even though the questions may not directly talk about what the person is going through, the underlying pain is obvious in every word of the questions:
Q. Baba, I am 22-year-old man. My status is ‘committed’ on Orkut but ‘single’ on Facebook. I was going steady with my Orkut girlfriend for a year now. Recently, a Facebook girl started poking me often. She even gifted me an Olive Tree on Farmville. Yesterday, my Orkut girlfriend quizzed me about the Facebook-girl. I have a feeling that the Facebook-girl is actually my Orkut-girlfriend in another name. How do I handle this situation?
Pramod /\|\|/\|\||) from Jabalpur
PyaarBaba: If your Orkut-girlfriend is hot enough, there is no point in arguing with her. Copy some romantic poems from any damned site and spam her Scrapbook. Remember, meaningless scraps are girls’ best friends. Stop flirting with the Facebook-girl. If your Orkut-girlfriend is not hot enough, just commit Orkut-suicide and live your Facebook life happily with a new fish. There is no point in sticking to a not-so-hot cyber girlfriend who wouldn’t allow you space for flirting.
Q. Baba, I want to create a Twitter account with the username “IamSRK_ka_baap”. My girlfriend has threatened me that if I do that, she will stop writing on my wall and even delete our very first wall-to-wall conversation from her account. How can I convince her?
PyaarBaba: Wonder who agreed to become your girlfriend! Your RomanticIQ may be below zero. Couldn’t you choose any other ‘hero’ to be a father of? Choose some good actor, or even a decent actor, and she will be fine. Then she may even open an account on Twitter to declare herself as the mother of that actor.
Q. hey dude i think i should use random lines from random bollywood songs as my status on facebook. you think that’s a girl-magnet idea? cheers.
Party in the USA, Ludhiana
PyaarBaba: Don’t call me ‘dude’, you m***erf*cking bast*rd.
Q. Baba, I am a twenty one year old woman. After my Facebook-boyfriend committed Facebook-suicide and started flirting with a hottie in his next birth on Facebook, I turned to potato chips and Treasure Isle to forget him. Now I got so addicted to Treasure Isle that it is affecting my cyber sex-life. I have tried a lot of things to get rid of this addiction but haven’t yet been able to. Please help.
Rijuta Das, Durgapur
PyaarBaba: Why don’t you invite that ‘hottie’ to a shady community forum and then rough her up? Before doing that, please check how lucky you are going to be on that day. I would suggest that you should not take a chance unless you are at least 82% lucky. Other than that, you may try different spiritual exercises. They help you get rid of mundane addictions. Try the How Spiritual Are You quiz and try to achieve a score of sixteen out of twenty. What FRIENDS Character Are You and Who Is Your Celebrity Twin Soul are two very spiritually entertaining quizzes. Once you get addicted to those informative and revealing quizzes, you will automatically lose interest in Treasure Isle.
Q. PyaarBaba, it is now a known fact that showing cleavage causes earthquakes. But if I don’t show a little on my profile picture, guys will think ……. you know it na Baba? Now, our apartment is on the tenth floor and I am afraid that even a mild earthquake may be dangerous for us. I have a very ….. you know ….. photo taken recently. I want to know if I can put that photo as my profile picture without causing an earthquake.
PyaarBaba: It’s a very tricky situation. I suggest that you first send me that photo, and all other important photos ……… you know it na Ranjithe? It will also be helpful if you can send me some …. you know …. videos, too.
Pyaar Baba has also started a sign-the-petition public campaign to have a 40% quota for the SNDC on Orkut, Facebook etc. We are not yet sure what the quota is for, but you may sign your name on the comments-page below. These signatures will be redirected to Pyaar Baba’s petition.