. Informed . Opinions .

June 20, 2007

Come Back, Our Masters!

Filed under: Floating Turd, India — Tags: — Raja @ 11:44 AM

O our white masters, please come back to us. We, Indians, need you back. Even as we continue to mimic you, there are the barbaric non-believers who refuse to worship you! They refuse to drink coke, refuse to keep an iPod in the showcase, and even refuse to have a stale pizza for lunch!! They say that we are taking in whatever holy shit you had left here and you’re feeding us with, and by this we are ruining our lives. They say we are copying your ‘bad’ things (can there be any?) in an even worse way! Tell us Lords, isn’t this the only way to salvation for Indians? But, O Lords, fortunately most of us, your Indian followers lead our lives in the following devout way:
You had taught us to celebrate on Dec 31. Though we don’t quite know what exactly we are supposed to do for a celebration, we did whatever we could. We stripped a girl naked in Mumbai, our efficiently drunk police force beat up the crowd in Bangalore, and our pride, the military people, molested girls and set prisoners free in Kolkata. There might have been a few celebration-rapes in New Delhi, too. We do believe that this is how we should celebrate, but please forgive us if we’ve fallen short in any aspect.
As we’ve been told for generations, “saahibs celebrate by drinking liquor”, we tried to follow as much as we could. You should’ve seen us ‘celebrating’ on the main streets of the cities across India. We were all drunk. And since we were never specifically told HOW to celebrate, we just shouted and made wild gestures (=danced) injured the rare pedestrian while riding our bikes and threw up in the morning. Oh Lords, we feel so happy we could mimic you.
Some white gods have told us that we should sport an iPod and drink coffee (when hungry) to be ‘cool’. Even though an iPod costs as much as one month’s gross salary for most of us, and even though we are not very familiar about such divine gadgets, we try to satisfy the gods. And having coffee at the price of a week’s grocery is another way to please the white gods, as we are told. Some of us are informed that having pizza/burger at Dominos/McD’s is next only to licking white gods’ shoes in terms of divine gain!
O Lords, we do all the unnecessary things in life to please you. We proudly live in semi-slums amidst lakes of urine, watch the holy American soaps, buy laptops and take internet connection to watch porn, brand ourselves as ‘cool’, and call them ‘losers’ who don’t do these. Tell us, O Lords, what else do we need to do?



  1. celebrations and a luzurious life – both were a part of indian civilization.. why do you think they are the viruses spread from the ‘whites’????I dont think its anything we mimiced from the whites.. ITs going on from a long time. celebrating gujarati new year or telugu new year or anything is a ritual being practiced since a loong time!We added another festival(is it?) to it –the english new year. another occassion to drink or find a holiday or whatever!!

    Comment by Anonymous — January 20, 2007 @ 4:52 PM

  2. All of a sudden,why this outburst?

    Comment by Anonymous — January 20, 2007 @ 4:56 PM

  3. It’s the way the general masses ‘celebrate’ that irritated me. Celebration is part of every culture, but we’ve messed up by copying the americans. we took the body and lost the soul

    Comment by . R.A.J.A . — January 20, 2007 @ 10:31 PM

  4. ah, the sudden outbursts! 8-|anyway, I don’t think things could have been any better even w/o burgers and pizzas and white-gods to look upto.You talk as if the whole of India would have achieved salvation by now had it not been for the celebrations and iPods and coffees!

    Comment by Anonymous — January 21, 2007 @ 4:04 AM

  5. Thinga mayn’t have been better, but we could be bad in our own style. We didn’t need to be bad by copying others.Salvation or not, money could be put in other use than coffee and iPod. It’s not what else could be done, I wanted to say that people spend money on gadgets that they hardly use or know how to use.It hurts when something is told on the face, and being defensive doesn’t help

    Comment by . R.A.J.A . — January 21, 2007 @ 11:07 AM

  6. drinking coffee or listening to songs doesn’t really mean being ‘bad’ does it? what/where one eats/s;eeps its is pretty much ones own choice, and I don’t see why you should be concerned about that.

    Comment by Anonymous — January 24, 2007 @ 12:50 AM

  7. drinking coffee or listening to songs doesn’t really mean being ‘bad’ does it? what/where one eats/s;eeps its is pretty much ones own choice, and I don’t see why you should be concerned about that.

    Comment by Anonymous — January 24, 2007 @ 12:53 AM

  8. drinking coffee or listening to songs doesn’t really mean being ‘bad’ does it? what/where one eats/s;eeps its is pretty much ones own choice, and I don’t see why you should be concerned about that.

    Comment by Anonymous — January 24, 2007 @ 12:55 AM

  9. =))as if americans know how 2 use gadgets :)).they are so intelligent. what is the average IQ there.. 60 or 70??. as if they r not trying to mimic east. as if u tried to convince people that sticking to india and indian culture is better than copying .

    Comment by Anonymous — January 25, 2007 @ 2:31 AM

  10. @Kanu:If drinking coffee is the focus, nothing’s bad with that. If Barista is, then it may be. Next time we meet, I’ll let you have coffee from 4 different places,incl Barista (and won’t let u know b4hand). Lemme see if identify the ‘best’ coffee.@Bhav:1. The problem I’ve mentioned is, spending a month’s sal on a gadget which they can’t use. If you know Product-Purchase-Parity, Indians are spending 10 times more on these gadgets compared to Americans.2. I’ve no data on average IQ of Americans. If you do, tell me the source3. Even if Americans are trying to mimic the East, the problems I’ve mentioned, remain.4. I’ve tried to. Really. You can see the result here – read the comments made by people, incl you

    Comment by . R.A.J.A . — January 25, 2007 @ 8:46 AM

  11. whtever…the post is written superbly !!U r the King of Sarcasm !! B-)

    Comment by Samyak — February 9, 2007 @ 10:32 AM

  12. This is like addressing the public before an election. I know that most of the people have rigid opinions, and still trying to convince the odd few that what I stand for, is the best :-p

    Comment by . R.A.J.A . — February 9, 2007 @ 12:18 PM

  13. I just loved this post. I have myself come across many people in India who never give a thought before spending, what seems like a fortune by Indian standards, on the latest gizmo in the market and not actually use it or know how to use it – ever. They buy things just because they want to be seen with the leatest expensive toy in the market. I make good money even by US standars but still when I go to India I find myself having the simplest cell phone around. I still dont own an iPod, which doesnt cost more than what I make in 2 hours, because I dont think I need it or that it’s a shame not to have one. Most of the clothes people in US buy are from sale or are reasonably priced…but an inexpensive piece of clothing is not considered ‘cool’ in India. Personaly, even the expensive clothes I see Indian youngters wearing today are somewhat trashy…but maybe trashy is ‘in’ and classy is ‘out’ in India these days. As for cloathing – many are blindly copying their bolloywood idols…most of these clothes dont make sense in real life. They dont understand that if you want to look cool in the latest DKNY or GAP outfit, you should have the whole physic and look etc. to go with it otherwise you look like a joker. In my last trip to India I hardly saw anyone not sporting some degree of blondness…would somebody please tell them blond hair on brown skin looks yucky! (And lets accept it – all Indians are some shade of brown, no matter how ‘fair’ one may be).I love India but I hate the madness/chaos/insanity that come to define most things Indian. Why are (most) Indian men so desparate that they find it their right and ritual to rape women at every possible occasion…why do they just assume woman have no rights (the answer to this may lie in the way women in general are treated India. Why do married women have to do ‘parda’ even to males within the family…can’t women atleast trust their father-in-law, bro-in-law and other males in her husband’s family to not look at her with lust? Indian men have a infalted sense of superiotrity and right over women.)Personally, as a woman, I hate the mentality of an avearge Indian man…why do they think its their birthright to literally scan every woman in the market with lust? I agree men in US/west check out women too…but most of them do it in a more “dignified” way which could actually make a woman feel good 😉 In India, I hate going to crowded places even like some popular temple because of the fear of being misbehaved.P.S. There are still many sane Indians left 🙂 Unfortunately, they are a minority 😦

    Comment by Divya — February 15, 2007 @ 3:08 PM

  14. Wow! Some support at last!I didn’t write ’bout the blonde-hair and physique thingy ‘coz I’m not in position to comment on anyone’s looks :-pThe way an average Indian males look at women is that of lust, more often than not. (And I don’t claim that I’m a sage!) I’ve tried to understand why. It’s chiefly ‘coz of our penny-wise-pound-foolish approach to life. I’ll explain that in a later blog.Thanks for stopping by 🙂

    Comment by . R.A.J.A . — February 15, 2007 @ 5:34 PM

  15. why the sudden prop-up to this blog?

    Comment by Kanupriya — May 2, 2007 @ 12:13 AM

  16. wow,what an amazing post

    Comment by Surabhi — May 16, 2007 @ 9:30 AM

  17. I read this a while back but I felt like reading it all over again. I’ve been told I protest against all that you mentioned because I’d rather have an ‘exotic’ India that is backward and all I could think in my mind was “What the…?!”. As if the only opposite of this can be the exotified India that the West likes to mimic with the “Asian flavour” and no other options remain for progress.Why are we losing our ability to self-determine our identity as Indians?

    Comment by Deepali — May 23, 2007 @ 2:16 PM

  18. well written!

    Comment by Ritesh — October 30, 2007 @ 9:39 PM

  19. This post has been removed by a blog administrator.

    Comment by 日月神教-向左使 — April 12, 2010 @ 8:34 AM

  20. oofffoo!!! I loved it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thou art too good with satires …oh holy self!! loved every bit of it …write some more satires….refreshing!

    Comment by sushmita — October 8, 2013 @ 11:23 PM

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