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February 7, 2006

One More to Infinity

Filed under: Sojourn — Tags: — Raja @ 10:00 PM

It’s been three months since R has come here. I used to be in the other wing and incidentally overheard it a few weeks back – “I remember the empty apartment. I remember even the color of the mattress that I had used for the evening, and trashed. But I don’t remember her face!”

He was crying – palms covering ears and portion of head; mouth open as if he’s screaming but no sound came out; face painted in unbearable pain! I was shocked! I’ve seen people cry – after demise of near ones, and in other situations, too. I’m trained to remain unmoved. He nearly made me cry. I rushed into his room.
The next time I saw him, he was flirting with my colleagues. Some of them would feel offended, some amused, some serious. I said, “Seems that you are feeling lot better than last evening. Wonder if we should have a part time accommodation for you! You need to spend only the evenings here.”
“No one ever told me anything with such authority. Not at least someone as beautiful as you” he chuckled.
Phew! Incorrigible!

When I switched my wing and got myself into taking care of five persons in this wing including R, some colleagues saw something more than ‘professional curiosity’. But the improvement in the conditions of all the five was evident. The reason was not I, it was WE. R and I took care of four of them, and I took care of R. I made it a point not to let R be alone during evening. We talked a lot. Crap, in general. But I was also eager to know why he is here and that proved difficult to find out. Not that R was particularly reticent, but he spoke way too much and generally in his own ‘style’. His style was to elucidate things with unintelligible similes. The worst part was, he used to take pride in the fact that I wouldn’t understand his silly metaphors!

“When N would get angry over my flirting with others, I’d tell her – my love is like sunlight, nearly infinite people may have it without anyone’s share being reduced”
“Wouldn’t you like to add something to it now – ‘but my lover is not supposed to practice this kind of love’?”
I thought I was being funny, but that was a mistake. The damage had been done.
We had a day-long chat the first time I served his morning coffee. Fresh out of sleep, he gave me a strange look that had surprise, apology, ecstasy, …… and mostly love. “What are you looking at?” I asked. He took a while to come back to ‘now’ and ‘here’. Went to the desk, and came back with a sketch of a bottle of ‘Nescafe’. I felt that I’d die of curiosity. “Tell me about her who made this sketch. Enough with the stories of P and S and N and ……….” I had started with such zeal, and managed to end with a poker face. Wonder if he noticed the change! “What’s so special ‘bout her? Why can’t you forget her like you’ve forgotten others?” For the moment it wasn’t in my mind that I’m there merely to take care of him. It felt as if he was hiding from me the mystery of creation of the universe.
“Well,” he said, “the reason is, SHE is my memory. You got it?”
“You think you can fool me with these vague answers?” I was getting impatient.
“No. Ok, let me put it this way – I wanted to say, in plain words, she was my everything. I loved her w-a-y more than what you may think is the limit of loving someone.” He seemed genuine. “It was insanely intense. I was getting devoured by an endless expanse of quicksand, painstakingly slowly. I was getting paranoid. And I didn’t get her yet. Not that she ever denied that she loved me, too. But I wouldn’t bear her thinking about someone else, missing someone else. I’d even catch her every word, every smile – and put it somewhere safe lest it should reach some others’ eyes or ears.”
“But, why did it end? Did she ever hurt you?”
“Well, purists will disagree if I say ‘infinite number of times’. Let’s settle for one less than infinity.”
“Now, aren’t you contradicting yourself?”
“Ok, lemme think something in my defense. Meanwhile bring me another cup please”
“I’ve bought French Vanilla flavor for you. Will bring another cup at once” The mood had changed. And I must write down the conversation that followed French Vanilla!

R, you remember the apartment, the color of the mattress, but not me?!

(It was getting monstrous in size. I had to reduce it to 10% its original size :-p. Guess I should delete it :-s)



  1. Raja, it’s so well-written!! >:D< please do complete it.and, well, you don’t remember her face?! 😮>:D<

    Comment by Rani — February 7, 2006 @ 10:51 PM

  2. complete it as Rani said !!I think, ur tutions from Rani is yeilding these kinda posts these days !! [:)]

    Comment by Samyak — February 7, 2006 @ 11:25 PM

  3. I really wish you had put up the remaining 90% as well coz after that, I certainly want to read LOTS more of this !

    Comment by Deepali — February 7, 2006 @ 11:29 PM

  4. @Rani and Sam: Thanks@Dee: even if you don’t say this, I’ll continue to praise you B-)

    Comment by . R.A.J.A . — February 7, 2006 @ 11:40 PM

  5. <> and put it somewhere safe lest it should reach some others’ eyes or ears. <>hmmmm…. quite possessive ;))))<> Let’s settle for one less than infinity. <>kyon ek kamm :Ooo Agar itna keh sakte ho, toh poora hi sahi… aakhir ek ki hi toh kami hai :DDDD:PPwould luv to knw the conversation following the French Vanilla flavour!! :)))awesome post truly mesmerizing!! :)))

    Comment by Athena — February 8, 2006 @ 2:10 AM

  6. I noticed[=D] but i did mean that sincerely.

    Comment by Deepali — February 8, 2006 @ 7:59 AM

  7. @Vini and Dee:A treat is due. Tell me when you want it :-p

    Comment by . R.A.J.A . — February 8, 2006 @ 8:04 AM

  8. @raja.. <> A treat is due. Tell me when you want it :- <>maine kab partyyyyyyyyy maangi :Ooooooooo lagta hai kaafi paise aa gaya hain parties sponsor karne ke liye ;):PPP party india main manzoor :PP

    Comment by Athena — February 8, 2006 @ 10:10 AM

  9. i don remember when ws the last time i felt so much love in words …yes that love was visible in all words …i want to write so much but i guess …i can conclude wid …that i almost felt myself there …

    Comment by Chitrangada — February 8, 2006 @ 10:27 AM

  10. @Vini:1. party for praising me :-p2. “<>quite possessive<>” — possessive nahin, strangling actually!3. “<>would luv to knw the conversation following the French Vanilla flavour!!<>” — I need to re-write that part. Truth will make R look like either a villain or a perfectionist moron :-p@Deeps:1. “<>i don remember when ws the last time i felt so much love in words<>” — and I don’ remember when was the last time I got praised like this 🙂2. who’s similar to you here, R? 😕

    Comment by . R.A.J.A . — February 8, 2006 @ 11:59 AM

  11. fasicnating :DDDDDdhuh how can u write such a gud post :PPPPPPwaiting for next partplz complete it soon

    Comment by Aurora — February 8, 2006 @ 1:42 PM

  12. haha <>party for praising me :-p <>You know I am closer than India so how about sometime during reading week 😛

    Comment by Deepali — February 8, 2006 @ 2:12 PM

  13. @Megs:Thanks (if that was not sarcastic :-p)@Dee:when is reading week? 😮I’ll be in Toronto and Waterloo during spring break :-). tab de doonga treat 🙂

    Comment by . R.A.J.A . — February 8, 2006 @ 3:13 PM

  14. 8-|do complete itwant to know R’s side of the story 😉btw nice read 🙂

    Comment by Saras — February 8, 2006 @ 3:32 PM

  15. Well it is from Feb 17-26 and if you’re in <>my<> city it will be my treat =D.

    Comment by Deepali — February 8, 2006 @ 4:20 PM

  16. speechless!!its soooo well written 🙂do tell the R’s side of the story but don’t give it an end!!

    Comment by Mohan Kodali — February 8, 2006 @ 6:06 PM

  17. Now I seriously dout if anyone (excepting Saras :-p) has read anything here :-w

    Comment by . R.A.J.A . — February 8, 2006 @ 10:16 PM

  18. btw, D, which city is <>yours<>?

    Comment by . R.A.J.A . — February 8, 2006 @ 10:17 PM

  19. Toronto or as the nasal way goes to-ro-nno.

    Comment by Deepali — February 8, 2006 @ 10:41 PM

  20. <> party for praising me :-p <>agli baar se hamesha praise karoongi so tht i get n no. of parties :PP<> strangling actually! <>khatarnaak maaloom hota hai :Oooo<> villain or a perfectionist moron <>leave tht on the readers to decide upon :))) so post the rest!! :)))

    Comment by Athena — February 9, 2006 @ 12:13 AM

  21. <>Now I seriously dout if anyone (excepting Saras :-p) has read anything here :-w <>shldnt we applaud a nice post!!!X-(

    Comment by Mohan Kodali — February 9, 2006 @ 3:26 AM

  22. @Deeas paiyaans say, ‘Tronto’.ok, if my being in Toronto is a treat for u, I’ll be thr frequently B-)@ViniDee se seekho. jab dekho treat ke peechhe 😀 :-pbtw, R khatarnak to hai hi. tum bhale hi use Ki*** R kah lo :-p@Chandugot kuchh zyaada applause, so it smelt fishy :-p :-p

    Comment by . R.A.J.A . — February 9, 2006 @ 9:20 AM

  23. good one raja.mujhe KYUNKI movie yaad aa gayi.girls ko flirts itne pasand kyu ate hain.. ??:P. any explanation neone :d

    Comment by Voice — February 9, 2006 @ 11:02 AM

  24. hey Raja..it sounds like reading a movie script..it takes you to another world…great post…i didn’t know you are such a good writer :-):-)

    Comment by Dush — February 9, 2006 @ 11:24 AM

  25. @Bhavjust the opposite. what I’ve seen, girls become serious pretty easily. they lack the art of flirting :-p@DushThanks so much 🙂

    Comment by . R.A.J.A . — February 9, 2006 @ 11:37 AM

  26. accha ji badiya baat ghumayi 😛 I , of course, meant that if you’re coming to my city then I will be the one treating instead of vice versa :P. as for whether your visits will be a treat, i think i must sample that for a final judgement 😉when is your spring break anyway?

    Comment by Deepali — February 9, 2006 @ 1:31 PM

  27. seriously this post is written so well yar :)))))

    Comment by Aurora — February 9, 2006 @ 3:17 PM

  28. “they lack the art of flirting”yeah? 😕

    Comment by Rani — February 9, 2006 @ 10:49 PM

  29. @Dee:dekh lena B-)Spring break is the second week of March@Megs:thanks again 🙂@Rani:not all, tho’

    Comment by . R.A.J.A . — February 9, 2006 @ 11:14 PM

  30. they lack the art of flirting and they will say that they condemn it :P. but still they will fall for it. thats why i said…WHY ?:P

    Comment by Voice — February 9, 2006 @ 11:38 PM

  31. @Rajarite!@Bhav=))guys hv sm major misconceptions here :-p

    Comment by Rani — February 10, 2006 @ 4:31 AM

  32. hmm samajh gayi ab toh kitna khoonkhar hai woh :))) but still would luv to knw the conversation!!!

    Comment by Athena — February 10, 2006 @ 9:07 AM

  33. @Bhav:guess that’s lack of intelligence :-p@Vini:Sunday ko likhunga 🙂

    Comment by . R.A.J.A . — February 10, 2006 @ 9:39 AM

  34. Raja, did u really spend so many evenings with her?

    Comment by Kanupriya — July 18, 2007 @ 4:06 AM

  35. the 8 yr old me 😦 !!%&&&&&&&&&****** did not understand …. got confused midway… the boy/man/guy who is explaining his love for the “girl” who hurt him so much was wronged by her? if yes, was he flirting away to fill that pain? what happened to that girl who was with him over a cup of coffee (in the morning …) … was he doing to her what was done to him ?? please forgive my lack of depth if i have got it all wrong… this stupid mind of mine does not comprehend things if not spoken straight..and i am bad with riddles/logical deduction …R, N, A … i get so confused …. but it has something to do with a person who lost all trust in the most soft concepts of life like integrity, love etc… i can see that somewhere that person was hurt so badly that the scar never went…. even if he is leading a normal life somewhere he carries it within him…why else would he revisit old posts??? please forgive my stupidity… unlike intelligent MBAs i am a plain psychologist… :(…but whatever be the case… i sense a pain so deep ….that it is making me sad 😦 ..please do not publish this comment if possible…

    Comment by sushmita — May 3, 2008 @ 2:17 PM

    • “why else would he revisit old posts?” ======= I was checking the visitor stats and found that this post was among the most-visited posts on my blog. So thought of correcting a few grammatical errors, and read the whole post in the process. In a way it seemed similar to me to your antique shop post. So shared with you.

      R is me. N, S, P ets were my prev gfs. Forgive my bad style of writing, but I wanted every sentence to carry some codes that my then-gf and I used (like I was “chapter xvii” for her and she was “chapter xix” for me for some funny reason)……….

      Comment by Raja — May 3, 2008 @ 3:09 PM

      • hmmm XIX sounds cool 🙂 ..what bad style..if i am dumb don’t lash yourself… i see most people understood it … i am sorry for being so base!! baap re!! now i can re-read it and am sure i will be able to make some sense out of it ….

        Comment by sushmita — May 5, 2008 @ 1:03 AM

  36. i am so confused with the comments!! ?? seem some coded message had gone out which people who visited this post then understood.. i am sorry i have failed you .. am sure you shared it with me hoping i will understand something …some event…. that destroyed the shop 😦 … :(…it is making me so sad :(:(…were you cheated upon?? did something drastic happen to a guy who was so much full of love… so intense …she almost ran like blood in him … and then … something bad happened… ??? dont know .. too many questions running in my mind… sorry to let you down… comments feel like very normal and fun loaded ….but i am feeling very sad and choked 😦 ..i told you i was a psychotic… it is almost like the male parallel of me is living somewhere in the para..

    Comment by sushmita — May 3, 2008 @ 2:26 PM

    • My mistake. It was so long ago that I had totally forgotten that I used a lot of half-hints and never came clean. This post sits in-between two other posts. here are all the three:
      1. https://indrajit.wordpress.com/2006/01/31/an-asylum-ms/ (I (named ‘R’ here) landed in an asylum after she betrayed me. the post is a page from my diary)
      2. This post here. An ex-gf of mine works as a nurse in the asylum. This is from her diary)
      3. https://indrajit.wordpress.com/2006/02/09/french-vanilla-and-chapter-xvii/ (Again, this is from her diary)

      The other comments are light-hearted because they all knew I was just making a mountain out of a mole hill :P. I didn’t really land in an asylum :P. I can not explain all the things here, though. Can mail you.

      Comment by Raja — May 3, 2008 @ 2:52 PM

      • 🙂 i am soo deeply humbled and touched… i mean .. i have somehow attracted people who have been my friends who liked telling me things about themselves…but this one is so unexpected… i mean sharing a part of self with a complete stranger purely based on energy and frequency!! … this happens in movies only right ?!! but i must confess i have had other blogger friends who have told me some basics of their life they do not usually blog about… wonder what this matrix hold… i hope by hearing you and being in your world, where you were once upon a time, must be a plan to give you some sort of relief… probably i owe you something from my previous life..why else a technical person like you would actually reveal his emotional self … ?? i am touched, humbled and honored by your trust in me … going to read all the links and this time with all the codes explained i will understand them all 🙂 🙂 melodramatic na!! i am the drama queen!!

        Comment by sushmita — May 5, 2008 @ 1:10 AM

      • listen, mail me the crux of the “event” “the point” the moment” which led to the shop being destroyed. keep it simple and plain like you are talking to a five year old. i get lost in complexities of the adult world. i want to know the point where the destruction began, who got destroyed and whether the streak of the event still remains somewhere 🙂 did it change the person ?? :(…that is only if you think it is ok to revisit old memories… 🙂 and it does not offend your gf… or compromises the trust she has in you …

        Comment by sushmita — May 5, 2008 @ 1:40 AM

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