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November 8, 2005

Divided We Stand

Filed under: India, The Grand Circus — Tags: , — Raja @ 2:53 PM

[I’ve received a lot of chain-mails in which some/all of the major Indian languages/cultures have been ridiculed. I got an e-mail today with similar content, but to an extreme degree. I find it hilarious, though some others may find it offensive. I haven’t changed the content, but have corrected a few spelling mistakes here. The original sender (as I could guess from the chain) is from a state for which no bad thing is written (and most of the senders/recipients of the chain are from that state :-p). Guess which state he is from :-?]

The Southies:
They are all the same from all the four (or are there five?) states. Can be called African Indians. Sometimes maintain conservation of ‘h’ (writes Baarath instead of Bhaarat), sometimes adds some extra (seen this spelling: Nandhinee) (oh, btw, the letter is called ‘heich’!!). Never looked beyond the weird, dark and fat heroes like Chiranjeevi, Rajinikanth etc. Worship Muruga, Balaji (supposed ‘god’s), Kushboo and Rajkumar (human beings, I guess. May even be movie-stars!) with equal fanaticism. Wear fur-coats in Chennai winter! Did you know, ‘yes’ is pronounced as ‘ess’ and the letter ‘s’ as ‘yes’?! Proud of their languages and cultures, but aren’t very sure as to what those things are!!
[Contrary to popular belief, a lot of Southies can speak fluent Hindi (Hindhi)]

The People from the Cow-Belt:
These semi-humans are found in the states of Bihar, MP, Punjab, UP, Hariyana and Delhi. Traditionally hired by other Indians as watchmen/domestic help/manual labor. Worship anything that moves – including monkeys, cows or even human penis! They look down upon other Indians but love the ‘Itlians’ and ‘Amricaans’. Some code-words used by them are ‘Farbary’ (February) ‘saaft-ire’ (software) ‘May-rij’ (amarriage) etc. Everyone of them is a good song-writer since they easily rhyme the lines by making them end with a ‘hai’. The bridegroom wears a garland of currency notes and rides a mule, and often lands up in a circus! ‘Loin’ and ‘Taigar’ are both known as ‘sher’ to them. They probably learn that in their Jaw-graphy course!! It seems increasingly possible that Cow-belt men will have to marry their cows soon because of the female foeticide/infancide fashion trend in these states.
[Contrary to popular belief, some of these cow-belt people are now more educated than their cows!! One theory says that they got some genes from educated cows!]

The Bongs:
The good-for-nothing people from ‘Wesht’ Bengal and Tripura. ‘Amorto Shen’ and ‘Shourobh’ Ganguly may be the only famous bongs after the British patronage is gone. An entire race of narcissists and ‘communists’. Absolutely suck where physical strength is needed. Worship some weird looking ‘gods’/’goddesses’. Has only one ‘city’ (which is actually a huge urinal) between the two states. Monkey-cap is an essential part of clothing, even in summer.
[Contrary to popular belief, Bongs pronounce ‘wedding’ as ‘waydding’ and not as ‘bedding’]

The Rajputs:
Still basking in the glory of some supposed exploitations of their ancestors. They could never win any important battle, never commanded over a large part of India, and were forced out of their homeland by the Mughals a lot of times. But the hero-deprived country has tagged them as the saviors!! The women are good at committing suicide and the men at bragging. The least-achievers among all Indians!
[Contrary to popular belief, Rajputs don’t eat the corpses after honor-killing!]

The Sardars:
They serve the world as taxi/truck drivers. Their literature, their culture, their everything revolves around Bhangra, and Bhangra, in turn, revolves around only one tune!
[Contrary to popular belief, some sardars now know that it’s not “fusion of Bhangra and Rape“, but “fusion of “Bhangra and Rap“.]

The Ghatis/Marathis:
Their only claim to glory is Shivaji. They have done absolutely nothing ever since. Even the city that they are so proud of, Mumbai, is contribution of the British and then Gujjus and Punjus. Typically uncivilized and illiterate, but megalomaniac. Big-time fans of elephants, and even worship them!
[Contrary to popular belief, not all Marathis sleep in suburb trains]

The Gujjus:
The group of people with the most obnoxious habits and accent! Can do nearly anything for money! Usually have the same height and width. Usually live in a small place in great numbers. The dirtier the place, they happier they are.
[Contrary to popular belief, Gujjus don’t sell their family members]

The Oriyas:
Good at cooking and gardening. And only that! The eternal masochists – get floods, draughts and storms every year and still remain as callous as ever, probably enjoying the deaths around! Have ill-feelings towards every non-Oriya Indian!
[Contrary to popular belief, Oriyas don’t dance while sleeping]

The Tribes of the North-East:
Very little is known about them, other than the fact that they eat dog-barf as a delicacy!! Experiments are on to see if they are capable of reading and writing!
[No popular belief yet!]

The Marwaris:
The epitome of kanjoos-pana. Ideally they’d do without showers, because water costs money afterall. But if they’d lose ‘bijness’ for this reason, they try to look upon it as ‘investment’.
[Contrary to popular belief, they do not hide their gold in matkas buried in their backyards. They ask for Godrej steel almirahs in the dowry]



  1. And the answer is ‘United States’! 😀

    Comment by Ritesh — November 8, 2005 @ 9:33 PM

  2. May be. I’m not sure if he’s in US (by the use of term African Indian, it seems that the guy’s in US)

    Comment by The Thinker — November 8, 2005 @ 10:20 PM

  3. Bihar.Funny fwd..though I feel I’ve read it once upon a time in some inbox!

    Comment by Phoenix — November 9, 2005 @ 6:16 AM

  4. Bihar reit created sm problems here in our college..finally ended up in a fight and now peace..

    Comment by Mohan Kodali — November 9, 2005 @ 6:32 AM

  5. u should have posted this there..(garbagoscope)?

    Comment by Mohan Kodali — November 9, 2005 @ 6:35 AM

  6. the guy’s last name is Malhotra@Chandu: I’m surprised that ppl took the mail seriously and created problems!!Garbegoscope will be removed. So I didn’t put anything there

    Comment by . R.A.J.A . — November 9, 2005 @ 7:57 AM

  7. Punjab? 😕

    Comment by Rani — November 9, 2005 @ 7:58 AM

  8. [Contrary to popular belief, i don’t guess much.]I just draw logical conclusion which other overlook…:D. not amusing…neither offensive.just PENSIVE JK, HP, Goa, some more state left……but not guessing 😛

    Comment by Voice — November 9, 2005 @ 8:45 AM

  9. @Rani: u think like me < ):)@Bhav: good guess :-p

    Comment by The Thinker — November 9, 2005 @ 12:30 PM

  10. I don’t think.U do the thinking for both of us :-p

    Comment by Rani — November 9, 2005 @ 1:31 PM

  11. i guess a ABCD i mean confused desi 😛but he can be RAJASTHANI ..wat say

    Comment by Chitrangada — November 14, 2005 @ 10:33 AM

  12. Aren’t Malhotras Khatris [ my source is A Suitable Boy so if I am wrong don’t jump/pounce]? And I understood Khatris as Sindhis so maybe that is why [although I can make a LOT of fun of sindhis-infact they’re my favourite bakras. Hey! I am allowed for all that ‘cow-belt’ talk]. He forgot to honour the marwaris, the epitome of kanjoos-pana.[this is where i hope no marwari here reads this :P] Ideally they’d do without showers, because water costs money afterall. But then they’d lose bijness so they try to look upon it as ‘investment’. [Contrary to popular belief, they do not hide their gold in matkas buried in their backyards. They ask for Godrej steel almirahs in the dowry]

    Comment by Deepali — February 1, 2006 @ 9:00 PM

  13. The sender is mostly from Delhi. The only city/state not accused shamelessly…

    Comment by Ranade — February 27, 2014 @ 12:17 AM

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